Anxiety impacts learning, as well as functioning in daily life. Children experience anxiety in the same way adults do, even though their stressors may look different. However, children don’t reason the same way adults do, so irrational fears can seem very real to a child. If a child has extreme anxiety, parents should seek the professional help. Check with your pediatrician, a play therapist, or a counselor who specializes in childhood anxiety. In the meantime, you can start to teach them some tools that will help them learn to tolerate uncomfortable feelings. This article will give you some basic tips that may help your child to calm rather than making their anxieties worse.
How Children Form Anxieties
First of all, if you have a family history of anxiety disorders, your child may have brain chemistry that is prone to developing anxiety, panic, or other emotional reactions to everyday occurrences. This is not your fault!
Children are very observant and can intuitively pick up feelings of anxiety from their adult models. If you are cautious, fearful, or anticipate negative outcomes, your kids may learn the same behaviors without even realizing it. Anxiety is always based in anticipation of the future, so when an adult approaches an activity with anxiety, kids pick up on those fears.
Children can also develop anxiety responses from media sources they see. For example, TV shows, movies, and video games that are meant for older children or adults often contain scenes of suspense, horror, or violence.
Younger children are not ready to process due to brain development. They don’t have the same reasoning abilities to distinguish reality from fantasy. Kids can develop emotional regulation from adult responses to the emotions a child expresses. When a family spends a lot of time on technology, they tend to talk less, especially about feelings. Kids are left to flounder in how to deal with their emotions or they learn how to deal with feelings from the shows they watch. As a result, anxiety can emerge as a protective emotion in real life experiences.
Whether anxiety develops from family genetics, from adult modeling, or from misinterpreted experiences, there are many parenting actions that can help. Keep in mind that it takes intentional coaching and a lot of patience to overcome anxiety.
Here are some strategies you can use to help your child overcome their anxieties:
1. Help your child relax and breathe deeply.
A child can feel anxious when they’re stressed. Explore different ideas for helping your child relax. The activity you choose may be different for every child, or different depending on the day. Relaxing games or a calming hobby can help some kids. Joyfully laughing through silly dances can also reduce stress and anxiety.
As a person who has dealt with social anxiety from age 4, I can tell you from first-hand experience that knowing how to breathe to reduce a panic attack is not a naturally known skill. At a time when your child is calm, tell them you are going to teach them how to breathe. Then laugh with them when they think learning to breathe is ridiculous. Tell them that this system for breathing will slow down their heart and calm them almost immediately when they are having that frantic feeling. Practice this daily as a mindfulness or relaxation activity.
Here’s the process to help a child practice deep breathing:
Count to 4 slowly as you breathe in deeply through your nose. With young children, you may have to remind them to close their mouth.
Hold in that breath for 4 more counts.
Quickly blow out the air through your mouth. Like it is exploding out.
2. Find a distraction.
When your child suddenly feels anxious, rather than remove them from the situation, do something to distract them from the situation at hand. Retreating from a situation where a child feels anxious may help in the short-term, but repeatedly retreating will teach your child to use avoidance as a coping mechanism that will grow into more anxiety in the long-run.
If you are out in public and they start to panic, talk them through where you are going, what is about to happen, what to expect when you get there, and try to distract them by giving them something to hold in their hands or to visually focus on. If you’re at home, help your child to feel grounded by changing position to sitting on the floor, or soothingly and quietly talk about how they are feeling anxious, yet they are safe and can handle this situation. Get in the habit of telling your child what is going to happen next.
3. Set positive and realistic expectations.
If your child deals with chronic anxiety, you won’t be able to eliminate those feelings in all situations. You can let your child know that there will be scary times in life occasionally, like falling down when roller skating or that other kids may laugh when they aren’t expecting it.
Express that you have confidence that your child will manage the situation and will be OK just the way they are no matter what other people do. That is a first step in learning that we can only control our own actions, and that other people don’t always behave the way we want them to. In time, your children will learn that not everyone is going to like them, but they are still valued and loved. Your biggest message is that you are not placing them in an unrealistic situation, and that you have confidence in their ability to navigate the experience.
4. Acknowledge emotions without amplifying them.
In situations where your child is fearful, such as going to the dentist or getting a shot, acknowledge that the experience is likely to be a little unpleasant. At the same time, express that the situation is necessary, and while they may feel a little discomfort, the benefits are important. Listen to their fears. Answer questions honestly, trying to balance the unpleasant aspects with the benefits. Remind your child that you are there to give them comfort and help. It is important to acknowledge that the fears are normal, that they have the strength to do what is needed, and that they will still be OK.
5. Ask open-ended questions.
Sometimes parents ask leading questions that draw a child into further anxiety. An example is, “Are you worried about the first day of school?” or “Are you getting anxious about Nancy’s birthday party?” These questions show that you expect your child to become anxious about new and/or social situations. Instead, ask open ended questions like, “How are you feeling about school starting?” or “What do you want to get Nancy for her birthday present?” Open-ended questions can open a discussion about feelings so that you can counter the building anxiety, into expectations of events that are emotionally neutral.
6. Avoid pushing your children.
Sometimes parents push their child to behave a certain way without ever realizing it. It’s actually really common! Social rules can be very difficult for kids with anxiety issues. Giving them a lot of rules may become magnified in a child’s mind. I have found as a mom that modeling “please” and “thank you” for the group has given my kids the confidence to do it on their own.
Saying things like, “Did you remember your manners?” or “What do you say?” can put a kid in a situation where they feel in trouble in public. Sometimes kids just don’t remember because they are eager to leave. Other times, they just don’t know what to say. As parents, modeling is more powerful than pushing kids by having expectations that make them even more nervous.
7. Keep the lead-up time short.
Knowing what to expect is helpful in reducing anxiety. Some kids ruminate on future events, which can backfire and end up ramping up resistance. You know your child, so go with the amount of time that is best for your child.
I try to make doctor appointments in the morning, so that worry time doesn’t increase throughout the day. Most of the time, I let my kids know in the afternoon the day before an appointment and give any details that will let them know what to expect. It’s a good idea not to inform a kid at night about an event that induces a lot of fears because rumination often happens at night. In the morning, when we wake up, I remind them we will be leaving in a half hour for the appointment. It has become our tradition that doctor appointments are followed by getting a smoothie or fast food treat. That way, the negative situation is sandwiched between the announcement and the reward for their confident bravery.
8. Talk through situations with your child.
You may want to help your child develop a plan for what to do in a situation they are worried about. If your child is worried about what will happen if you are late to pick them up from school, talk through a few options they could do, and assure them that if ever you will be late, you will inform the office. Then ask the child what is their preferred solution. I use a problem solving graphic organizer for helping students have a tool for when issues really do happen.
9. Give your child affirmations that counter anxiety.
Many parents provide affirmations or blessings on their children. This tip IS one for bedtime. As you tuck your child in bed, remind them that they are strong, brave, confident, smart, independent, kind, calm, etc. Focus on positive character qualities that you want to see in your child. This is not the time to correct the negative events of the day or to focus on the child’s fears of the dark or sleeping alone. Bedtime is the time to teach your child how to think calming thoughts and how to tell their bodies to relax.
When one of my kids was anxious at bedtime, we got a picture of their favorite animal and hung it right beside the bed. As they were winding down, he talked to the animal and remembered his counselor’s idea that the animal was helping to watch over him while he slept. My husband and I also reinforced that we keep the household safe while he was asleep. It took about 4 months before winding down became easier and took less time, but we were very strategic and intentional in how we coached him to relax and to feel safe.
10. Eliminate stimulating input at bedtime.
In addition to affirmations at bedtime, eliminating electronic input can help. Many parents allow their kids to fall asleep with the TV, but video and blue light devices keep the brain alert rather than slowing down. Soft, relaxing music is perhaps the only electronic input that can assist the brain to induce sleep.
Melatonin is a natural neurochemical that is released in our natural circadian rhythm when we are tired and lying in the dark. Many parents report that Melatonin doesn’t work for their child. When I first learned about Melatonin, I was surprised when our pediatrician said it only works in the dark. I thought he was joking! A dim room is the trigger to release Melatonin and signal the brain to induce sleep. If your child is afraid of the dark, perhaps a small nightlight in the child’s room will help. In a few days, move the nightlight to the hallway or bathroom. Gradually, your child will learn to self-soothe, relax, and fall asleep.
Helping your young child learn to regulate emotions, especially anxiety, will help them grow into more confident and emotionally healthy adults. If your child has anxiety and panic attacks that seem to be at clinical levels, please seek out support in your area. Look for a therapist who deals with childhood anxiety. Keep reading more on your own so that you have tools to reduce anxiety rather than unknowingly set unhealthy patterns of dealing with feelings.
If you want to read more, here are some resources that are helpful in dealing with childhood anxiety.
